For the Love of God, Don't Call Me Pastor's Wife.

*WARNING: This post contains some serious ranting*

I just came from meeting with someone who is relatively new to our church community, an old friend of my husband's. I'm in no way having a dig at her because it's not about her- it's about what she, like so many people, have assumed about me. We were getting to know each other a bit when suddenly came the question: "So what do most of your days look like as a pastor's wife?"

I kind of felt like I could have exploded like the Ursula, the evil witch on The Little Mermaid. I emphatically stated, "I'm not just a pastor's wife!" When inside I was thinking 1000 other things such as "So you think *that's* my identity and great role in life, to support my husband and not to have my own calling in addition?", "I practice playing the organ and make sure his shirts are pressed and clean, duh", "I make sure that all the women in the church are cared for because as a woman I'm only able to minister to other women or children." SERIOUSLY, haven't we come further than this?! Would anyone think to ask my husband what his days are like as the church's community coordinator's husband?

I am very proud of my husband, proud that he's pastoring this group of people- but do not define me by who he is. I am my own person, I have been working in ministry for five years before we were married and I'd still be doing so if we weren't married. Prior to marriage, when we started The Bridge together, would anyone have thought to ask, "what are your days like as the girlfriend of the pastor?" I care for my husband the same as any other wife would, and I don't do it differently because he's a pastor- I'd love and encourage him and serve him just the same if he were a mechanic or had a newspaper delivery round. Sure, life is different because of the work we're involved in, but just because I'm a woman do not assume that I play a certain role, much like the First Lady in a man's Presidency.

To be honest, this question belittles me. I am not primarily a woman and certainly not primarily the wife of a pastor. I am primarily a human created in God's image and his servant. Equal with my husband in EVERY way, including my calling. So if you'd like to know what an average day looks like for me, ask but don't taint it with sexist assumptions or gender roles.

I could go on to rant about a lot of things people assume right now, but I'll keep it at that for now lest I become a sourpuss.

The Wanderer.

I went to knitting/craft group tonight with the intentions of picking up my needles again after taking a break over Christmas and getting frustrated with it last week. I did pick up the needles, managed to recall casting on, knitted a few stitches and promptly got bored with it. I think I spent more time actually organising the yarn than I did knitting. I'm still struggling with the difference between knitting and purling and I keep sticking my needles through the yarn rather than underneath it.

I found myself on the way home feeling a bit down, envying Anna for her cross-stitching which was becoming a pretty poppy with leaves. I had about four stitches poorly done sitting on the needles. Or did I undo even that? My thoughts carried me away into a familiar introspective examination on my life and my habits.

When I was a child I wanted to be a writer. I wrote a book under the pen name Charlotte. I can't remember what it was about but I'm sure it was pretty fantastic. I think I wrote a few books in the day. Then I went to school and was in a small class with a bunch of boys and I wanted to be a cop just like them. That didn't last long. Then I found myself in high school wanting to own a vintage clothing store. Somewhere mid-year I decided that I'd go back to writing, only not creative writing and be a journalist. That went out the window when I cursed out my editor and walked out on the school paper because she postponed my body piercing piece (groundbreaking stuff in '93). All this time I was heavily involved, if only personally, in campaigns issues, mostly those surrounding animal rights and my own rights which I felt had been infringed upon by the popular and glorified in our school. I've jumped in and out of justice matters from there, which eventually led to my passion for marine biology and the environment (that aided by my former disliking of people and preference for fish).

I thrived at marine biology. I truly for the first time in life, felt like I stood head and shoulders above the rest. I was recognised for my natural giftings and spongy retention of learning the topics. I enjoyed fighting for the rights of fish, marine mammals, and plankton everywhere (especially if it was tropical and I could live in a hut!). I planned on pushing through to a PhD so that I could have my own research and conservation team. I told my advisor this and he laughed at me and said that it was a waste of time (he had himself attained to a post-hole-digger status but I believe he thought it too high for women to seek after the same). Six years into studying the subject, working my ass off, having a job pretty much guaranteed to be created for me, I burned out. I loved the creative side of biology, loved seeing the evidence and glory of the Creator behind it all, but the science didn't do it for me. And the political, beaurocratic BS of it really turned me off (that same advisor soon saw that I was quite capable of a PhD and when I started volunteering in his lab and field work he changed his tune, making me want to vomit on him).

Then I went into ministry. That's definitely had it's ups and downs. The one thing I know with absolute certainty in this life is that whatever I do is for the love of God and that love's expression here on earth. Most days I find myself finally loving people- most days- and wanting God's best for them. So that brings out the activist in me again. And much like the PhD seeker in me who wanted to have my own team, I like organising people and heading things up. I do like doing things, but as you can see from my track record, I get bored quickly and like to shuffle around a bit.

Thus my dilemma tonight. Do I have epic ADD? I would judge my inability to do one particular thing for longer than a few years without becoming unusually twitchy and unable to remain still and focused as something not normal. The reason I judge it so is because the world around me, our culture, defines me by what I do. When people ask, 'what do you do?' they aren't asking for a description of what you find youself doing 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week. They are effectively asking 'who are you?' And because I can't give a definite term to what I do, I can't really seem to give a definite answer to who I am. At the core of me I know that I am creative, individual, experimental, rambling, organisational and most importantly, when all that fails and my mind goes loopy, I am a follower of Christ and I seek to live like He did loving God and others.

I was talking this all over with Rob tonight for the umpteenth time. He helped, as he usually does. He told me something very insightful. Some sports players have contracts to play pro football AND pro baseball. My mind, shaped by culture around me thinks, that's not possible! you've got to do ONE sport and ONE sport only! Apparently that's what some coaches advise the players of also. However, I thought about it and they're the ones drafting these guys to play their respective sport, so they must be good enough for both- better than most. I find that settling. *thanks babe*

So here I am. Jack of all trades, master of a few (or possessing the ability to master a few but the indifference to commit my life to it), bored with some, recreating others. Is indifference bad in this regard? Or is just that I'm designed with a functionality that prefers to invent, create, abandon, destroy, build, hand over, etc.? It always reminds me of the tattoo I carved into my ankle in high school (don't try this at home kiddos): The Wanderer (in Chinese... or so I thought... I probably ended up carving something more like The Chipmunk or just a symbol that ended up looking like a squashed spider). I still find my old way of wandering suits me. As long as I'm wandering in the right direction and making the world a better place, I'll take it.

A New Year, a good book, and a bit of reflection

Okay, well it’s been quite some time since I last blogged, but I thought it might cause me to be inspired to do more creative writing. Seeing as I’ve got brain lock right now, perhaps it’s actually a much needed exercise. Or it could be that I just don’t do all that well at nearly midnight unless caffeinated.

I found myself very confused this evening after watching Walk the Line when I realised that our neighbours The Electric Ballroom was playing music. With the new year celebrations, Christmas, and just falling out of a very newly implemented schedule, I can’t believe that it’s Friday night. It seems almost like an endless cycle of Friday nights lately- like are we stuck in Groundhog Day or something?! It came as a bit of a shock when mentally I was prepared to finish the film, go lie in bed with my new book Valley of the Dolls, and drift off to sleep around 11:30pm-12:00 so that I could wake up and get some work done in the morning. But alas, Ballroomage taken into consideration I’ve had to whip my brain into the realisation that sleep will be fleeting for another 3-4 hours when the party-goers depart or are kicked out.

This new year and the ending of 08 has been interesting to say the least. I’ve been really struggling with what it is I’m meant to be doing. I mean, working as a minister in London, starting up projects and pressing on in relationships with the goal of demonstrating Christ’s love has changed my mindset a lot. Like somewhat in a bad way. Boundaries have become very blurred, work has sort of taken over my mind. I realise and firmly believe that being a follower of Christ is a lifestyle, not something you work at for 40 hours per week, and therefore being a ’self-employed’ minister, setting my own schedule, coming up with plans on my own, etc is something that becomes difficult to separate from day-to-day living. Like knitting for example. I have wanted to start a craft group for some time, but my automatic response to setting something up is to do it not only to create but to build relationships with like-minded people who just happen to quite probably need Jesus in their lives. Therefore craft group leads to bible study leads to church leads to salvation and a merit for the missionary girl. But why. Why can’t I just knit.

This has come with the simultaneous realisation that time off is important. Yes, that’s right we come back to what God said in the 10 commandments and throughout the Bible about taking a Sabbath. Always growing up to believe it was some sort of vacation from reality to be at church, this thinking doesn’t really help a minister’s lifestyle. Yes, ministers themselves need days off. Of course we all nod our heads in agreement, but when you’re working out your own schedule, dealing with money people have given you to support yourself and your ministry work, you want to squeeze the most out of every last minute. Not helpful. God commanded the Israelites to take one whole entire day off without even thinking about work. Now, most ministers have what we call ‘ministry mondays’ which ironically means time away from ministry. God knows what would happen to the world if we all actually took Mondays off, but alas my Rob and I decided to do so for my mental and physical well being (and that of everyone around us, fearing that I would eventually go postal on them). Mondays follow Sundays if you haven’t noticed, and that means small things like taking an offering to the bank for deposit.

That first Monday was hell at first. I waged conscious warfare with the thoughts of work and ministry and ‘just this one little thing’ until a request to go to the bank and deposit like £5 sent me over the edge. I couldn’t find the paying in book. My heart raced. My head began to welcome in like quick sand all the thoughts of what else needed doing. It was like being sucked into a hole until I said NO I will not go to the bank, it will have to wait til tomorrow. And then birds sang quietly in the background again.

See, when you’re working for yourself or setting your own work schedule, how easy is it to just do one little thing? And in the Old Testament times, most people either were self employed or worked for a family run business. The whole sabbath issue is a justice and humanitarian issue. God was concerned because he knew we’re workaholics (when we’re not lazy as hell) and we just won’t take the time off if we let one little bit of work in.

Now that being said Jesus did say to the religious ultra serious Pharisees that if a guy owned a mule and saw it stuck in the mud on the sabbath he’d be an idiot not to rescue it. So yeah, keep it in perspective, but also have some healthy boundaries. Do yourself some good. So yeah, Mondays are days off now. And knitting is for me. Thank God if I do- and I really hope to- make some friends (I need them) and eventually be a good example of God to them. But for now… I’ll just purl, drink coffee, and eat cake.